The Arrangement 25 (The Ferro Family) by H.M. Ward

Author:H.M. Ward [Ward, H.M.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781630352325
Publisher: Laree Bailey Press
Published: 2019-02-22T18:30:00+00:00

CHAPTER 8

The next morning, neither of us mentions the night before, the confession I almost made. I can’t tell if Sean is disappointed or relieved. I’m sitting on the couch in fugly maternity PJs that I thought would look cute, but they just make me feel lost. Pursing my lips, I blow gently on the cup of tea in my hands. The glass is hot and warms my cold fingers. A drape of dark hair falls over my shoulder as I tip my head and look out at the rising city. Amber light spills from the horizon as the sun slowly climbs into the sky. The light slips over the murky darkness littered with lights, casting the city in a heavenly glow.

Sleep was evasive last night. I finally gave up and let Sean have the bed to himself about an hour ago. He didn’t follow me. It’s almost like he’s giving me space, time away that I didn’t ask for—I’m not sure I need it. He’s annoyingly astute at times. Like with the maternity clothes and the inky part of me that’s sucking the glitter out of my veins.

Maybe I don’t want to admit that part of me is gone. The piggy kite and the girl laughing on the beach. The girl who wore no coat to let the cold seep in because she wanted to feel something. Now I feel so much I’m trying to block it out. I don’t know how to experience this. My life took a weird turn, one I never saw coming. And instead of riding the storm through to the other side, the line to my dingy snapped and I flew out to sea.

Putting my lips to the rim of the mug, I take a sip and savor the heat that runs down my throat. An image of Sean in the shower, of his bottles of body wash, of the things we did—how he tastes—rushes me all at once. I swat at the memories, trying to push them away. The tank. The box. The fear that I once felt has been replaced with something else. I can’t tell if it’s curiosity or retribution. I’m angry. I know that, but is it that simple? That my dark desires are just because I want payback for a life I can’t control? For the times when Sean stole bits of freedom.

Something in my mind snaps at me, denying that, knowing those thoughts aren’t true. I want what I want. While rage and anger may be part of it, those feelings aren’t because of Sean. So, I shouldn’t aim my fury at him. Right?

Sighing, I put my mug on the coffee table in front of me and bury my face in my hands. My hair falls around my face, hiding me from the world. What’s my problem? I’ve already done dark sexual acts with him. Why is it so hard to admit it’s me initiating things this time? That I want to control him in bed. That I want the pain and pleasure mix right now.

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